Hope, Healing & Freedom Podcast: Episode 171
TRANSCRIPT
What you do in difficult situations, situations when the pressures of life are pressing in, says a lot about you. It also says a lot about your relationship with Jesus. In this podcast I want to look at two key words to help us better handle the twists and turns that life throws at us. Come along with me as we look at Act or React.
I’m Lee Whitman with Restoring the Foundations and I welcome you into this Hope Healing and Freedom Podcast. Our verse for today is 1 Peter 3:15-16: “but sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts, always being ready to make a defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in you, but with gentleness and respect; and keep a good conscience so that in the thing in which you are slandered, those who disparage your good behavior in Christ will be put to shame.”
Ned was having problems in his marriage so a friend of mine suggested he talk with me about it. I don’t like to do counseling anymore because RTF is a much more effective way to get to the root of the problem. But since Ned was in a pretty desperate place, I made an exception and met with him. He began to describe this pattern that he and his wife had gotten into in which she would bring a situation to the table, one that usually meant that her feelings had been hurt by something that Ned had done or not done, and Ned would react, usually defensively, which would make the situation worse. When Ned would react in a negative way, his wife would shut down and say that she did not feel like he was hearing her, which he was not. The reason he would get into react mode was to defend himself. As soon as he went to self-defense, he was no longer listening to her. She would then either shut down altogether and leave the conversation, or she would get angry and end up yelling and crying, which would shut Ned down completely. I had the opportunity to explain about these words, Act or React.
Most of the time the reason we get into situations like Ned and his wife are having is because we do not Act, but we React. To Act means that we determine ahead of time how we are going to behave. Let me give you a common example, and I apologize for using dieting as my example, but it fits. If you want to lose weight, then most people go on a diet. In the diet, you decide ahead of time what you are going to eat or not eat. If you are deciding what to eat ahead of time, you will be acting instead of reacting. Most diets fail because people don’t set up a definite plan, and they go into situations and try to moderate their eating on the spot. If you are going to a friend’s house for dinner, to Act would make it necessary for you to decide ahead of time what you will be able to eat and what you have to avoid. For example, when going to my friend Michelle’s house, I need to plan ahead of time to avoid having some of her incredible banana pudding. If I don’t ACT by having a plan in mind, the temptation from the amazing banana pudding is going to sway my self-discipline, and I will give in to the pudding.
Another example of Acting to keep from making mistakes is seen when a couple is dating and they desire to avoid breaking their sexual boundaries. If a couple does not have a definite plan, then the natural feelings could easily cause them to cross boundaries. I have talked with unmarried couples who will go on a date and then go to one of their homes and spend the night together sleeping fully clothed in the same bed. This couple said that it is ok to sleep in the same bed as long as they both sleep with their clothes on. But this logic is frankly very unwise. God has designed the sexual relationship to be like gasoline and a lit match. Gasoline and a lit match will start a fire every single time. When couples play with matches by sleeping in the same bed, a fire is bound to be lit.
So those are obvious examples of how to Act rather than React. Let’s talk about how this might work in a relationship. Let’s say that you have a friend at church who always seems to pull you into conversations that lead to gossiping about someone else at church. You know gossip is wrong and you want to keep from joining the friend in this sin, but you enjoy this friend’s company. What would Acting rather than Reacting look like in this situation. Acting would require you to think about a plan of action ahead of time of what you will do if the friend starts gossiping about someone else. The plan might be one of several things. First, you might decide to confront the friend when they begin to gossip. This would be a very brave thing to do, but it also might be the right thing to do. Maybe your friend is not even aware that they gossip on a regular basis. It is brave because sometimes these confrontations do not go well, and you could risk harming your friendship. For you to be at peace with God and yourself, you will need to speak the truth in love to them.
The second thing you might do is to walk away when the friend begins to gossip. You would let the friend know that you will not participate in gossip. If they want to talk about anything else, then you would love to talk with them. But if they are going to gossip about someone else, then you will have to leave. This is called establishing a boundary. Boundaries are letting the friend know what you are willing to participate in, and what you are not. If they are communicated in love, boundaries are very helpful in correcting negative behavior.
The third thing you could do is to cut off the friendship with this friend. This of course is the last and worst option. But if it comes down to you being at peace with God, then losing a friend might be worth it. The bible says in Romans 12:16 says “If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all people.” I love God’s honesty in this verse because sometimes it might not be possible to be at peace with all people.
It is essential that as believers in Jesus we determine ahead of time what we will be involved with, and what we will not be involved with. We can’t leave those decisions to the last minute because we have an enemy that would push us to make the wrong decision. With my past struggle with pornography, I have determined that there are things I can be involved with and some things I can’t. I will not watch R-rated movies that contain sexual content. I don’t care how highly the critics value a movie, if it has sexual content, I will not watch it. I also have limited my viewing of Facebook. There are way too many sexually seductive posts on Facebook. It is worth missing some of my friends’ posts so to not risk being drawn back into that horrible sin.
To Act is to determine ahead of time what you are going to do or not do. To React is to act in response to an influence. That is what Ned and his wife were doing. She was reacting to him, and he was reacting to her, and consequently, no good communication was happening.
People typically react out of a place of woundedness. When Neds wife brought an issue to the table that was emotionally charged, Ned would feel like it was all his fault, and he would react out of that hurt. Then his wife would react out of her hurt back to Ned, and nothing good would happen. Reacting is usually because someone stepped on an emotional landmine. What is an emotional landmine? It is a wound that usually is put in someone’s life by a previous event. Then like a real landmine, someone comes along today and triggers the landmine, and they get the shrapnel. The landmines are the unhealed emotional wounds of life. For example, Jim was often put down by his mother. Whatever he did was never good enough. He was criticized for his grades, criticized for being just like his father, and criticized for not cleaning his room the way his mother wanted him to. Then when James got married, his wife would bring up something that James did not do well, and James would explode. His mother had put an emotional landmine in his life of being criticized by women. Today he hears his wife’s criticism, and it triggers the landmine his mother put there. Then James reacts to his wife instead of responding as Jesus would have him respond.
Growing up my older brother and sister did very well in school academically. I, on the other hand, did very well in socializing. I was very insecure in high school, so I was the class clown in order to get the other students’ approval. I was so insecure that I made sure I knew every one of my high school classmates by name, not because I was such a good guy, but because I needed their approval. Even though I was one of the star athletes and was a starter in three sports, I still craved others’ affirmation. Affirmation and approval meant that I was okay.
So then when my children came along, I was still craving affirmation to prove that I was valuable. When the kids would disobey me, I would get instantly angry and discipline them too harshly. You see, their disobedience stepped on a landmine. I felt like their disobedience meant that I was failing as a father, which took my affirmation away. I needed them to be obedient so that I would look like a good father to the people in my church. I would react to their disobedience out of my hurt. One of the reasons I love RTF is it has taught me how to get healing for my heart and remove the landmines.
In order to keep from reacting to things in life, we must get the landmines cleared out of our life. The way to do that is by bringing the unhealed landmines to Jesus and allowing Him to heal them. Most of the landmines are housed in memories. Memories are containers of information. Most of the information housed in the memories is not rational, it is emotional. Much of the counseling world tries to bring understanding to the emotional landmines, believing that if we can understand what happened and why, then we can overcome its effect. Understanding only helps to a degree. The only way for the memory to be completely healed is to allow Jesus into the memory and for Him to bring His healing. In Luke 4:18 Jesus says, “I came to heal the broken hearted.” He is very good at bringing healing to those emotional landmines.
So here is my encouragement for all of us. Decide ahead of time how you are going to act in situations. Base your decisions on the truth found in God’s word. The absolute truth found in God’s word is never changing but it can be applied and adapted to every situation in life. The second thing I recommend is to get your heart healed when you find emotional landmines. I used to make bad decisions at times because I would react instead of acting. I have now learned to get my heart healed so that I don’t react. If you are not familiar with how to get your heart healed, find an RTF minister in your area and schedule a ministry time with them. As part of the ministry, they will bring healing to a wound in your heart, but they will also teach you how to do self-ministry so that you continue to receive more and more healing for yourself. And healing of the heart brings freedom.
PRAYER
Father God thank You that the more we know You and Your ways, the more we can determine ahead of time how we are going to act. We don’t need to be tossed about by every wind of doctrine, but we can walk securely in Your Truth. I also thank You that You sent Jesus to heal our broken hearts so that we do not have to react. Help us have the courage to reach out to an RTF minister and learn how to receive healing for our wounded and broken hearts so that we can Act and not React.
Thank you for joining us on this Hope Healing and Freedom Podcast. If this podcast has been a blessing to you, would you consider recommending it to your friends.