Hope, Healing & Freedom Podcast: Episode 117
Transcript
Have you ever wondered why some relationships last longer than others? How do you know if you are experiencing a contract relationship or a covenant relationship? That is the topic of today’s podcast.
I’m Lee Whitman with Restoring the Foundations and I welcome you to this Hope Healing and Freedom Podcast. Over the next two weeks we are going to look at a few of the things that hinder us from having good relationships. These messages are applicable to both a marriage relationship as well as just good healthy friendships.
Tina and Mark came to me for premarital counseling. They are a really sweet young Christian couple; he was 25 and she was 23. They met online and over time fell in love. When you saw them together, they were the “poster couple” for what it means to be hit with the love bug. When he would talk, her eyes would sparkle at him. When she entered the room, his whole countenance changed.
As we talked about marriage, I asked them what they thought it would take for them to have a happy and successful marriage. What did they see as the “ingredients” for making marriage work? They said, “good communication,” “a good sex life,” and “being in love.” I felt bad, but I had to rain on their parade by telling them “No!”, those things are great, but they are not enough to make a marriage last. They had forgotten one very important ingredient: commitment.
I found it very interesting that in a non-Christian research study done by David B. Larson, MD, James P. Swyers, MA., and Susan S. Larson, MAT, called “The Costly Consequences of Divorce”, they found four common characteristics in the successful marriages they studied. Those characteristics were:
- effective communication,
- having children together,
- having a religious commitment,
- and having a long-term commitment to marriage.
Being “in love,” having those butterflies-in-the-stomach, make-your-knees-weak, warm ooey gooey feelings are great, but they are not enough to make your marriage successful over the long term. My wife Cindi and I have been married over 45 years, and I can tell you first-hand that those “in love” feelings are going to come and go over the life of your marriage. There are going to be times when you will be more in love with your spouse than you were on your wedding day. Then there will be times when you flat out don’t even like each other. The power that holds a marriage together over the years is a commitment to each other.
My parents, Paul and Virginia Whitman, had been happily married for over 65 years when my dad died. I am so blessed to have had them as role models because they really did enjoy being married to each other. When I asked them how they were able to keep their marriage together with all of the ups and downs of life, they both gave me the same answer. “We made a commitment to love each other no matter what.”
I think it’s the “no matter what” that people struggle with. Many put unexpressed conditions on their commitment like, “We’ll stay together as long as the feelings are still there,” or “We’ll stay married as long as we are both happy in the marriage,” or “I’ll stay as long as I find you attractive.” They may never say these things out loud, but they are living their marriage based on them none the less.
Keeping Marriages Together
Why does it seem that we have a harder time keeping our marriages together than people did in my parent’s day? Why does it seem that many good Christian people are on their second or third marriages, and please believe me, I am not judging you if you have been married before. I would not be married today except for the grace of God and the mercy of my wife. Frankly, why is it so hard for any of us to make marriage work?
Let me break this answer down into two parts over the next two podcasts. The first part of the answer has to do with this issue of commitment in marriage, and more specifically, why we have a hard time being committed. The second part of the answer that we will talk about next week will deal with something everyone one of us struggles with that tear’s marriages apart – selfishness.
When I was in school many moons ago, I played quarterback on the football team. The quarterback tends to get a lot of recognition because his position can affect the outcome of a game either positively (throw a touchdown pass), or negatively (throw an interception). Even though he gets a lot of the credit for a team’s success, he is completely dependent on the rest of the team for any success he might have. He is particularly dependent on his offensive line. For a right-handed quarterback, the most important guy on the offensive line is the left tackle. He has the job of blocking the quarterback’s back, or blind side, from the on-rushing defensive end. This player has to be totally committed to the protection of the quarterback, or the team will never be successful, and the quarterback will need a really good doctor. This player also must be committed knowing that he will most likely not be recognized when he does his job correctly, but he will get criticized when he makes a mistake.
The Webster dictionary defines commitment as an agreement or pledge to do something in the future. Our current culture doesn’t seem to understand or want to live up to the commitments it has made. Commitments like wedding vows, or a signed contract, don’t mean much anymore. I want to scream when the talking heads on TV talk shows or in the print media get all excited about a certain glamorous movie star getting married to the handsome leading man. For the majority of those celebrities that our culture looks up to as role models, it’s a marriage that will probably last a few months, or a few years at best. It makes an outright mockery out of the institution of marriage and the ideal of a committed relationship. Okay, take a deep breath, Lee. I’ll now put my soapbox away!
Our culture has been brainwashed by the motto: if it feels good, do it! Thus, if something doesn’t feel good or is uncomfortable, then it is seen as bad, and is to be avoided. Unfortunately, this idea sometimes gets mixed in with people’s theology and comes out with statements like, “God doesn’t want you to be unhappy,” or “God doesn’t expect you to remain in an unfulfilling marriage.”
Covenant vs. Contract
One of the major reasons we struggle with commitment to marriage is that we live in a world that has a “contract” mindset instead of a “covenant” mindset. God designed marriage as a covenant relationship. Malachi 2:14 says, “Because the Lord has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant.” Again, in Proverbs 2:17 God calls marriage a covenant. In verses 16-17 it gives a warning on marrying a foreign woman who does not honor the covenant. “To rescue you from the strange woman,from the foreign woman who flatters with her words, Who leaves the companion of her youth and forgets the covenant of her God;”
Why is this distinction between a covenant and a contract so important? Contracts are based on distrust. They are based on “If…then” statements. A contract basically says that IF you do your part of this agreement, THEN I am obligated to do my part. But, IF you don’t do your part of the agreement, THEN I am off the hook and don’t have to do my part. My obligation, according to the contract, is contingent upon what you do or don’t do. We see this contract mindset all the time in marriages. If my spouse is not treating me the way they ought to, I am free to get out of this marriage and find someone who will treat me right. So, a contract is based on distrust, it has an end date, it is voided by unforeseen circumstances, it is based on performance, and it gives to get.
A covenant is a much different kind of agreement. Covenants are based on a commitment made between the parties that has nothing to do with how one feels, or what the other party does or does not do. A covenant says that I will keep my part of the agreement no matter what you do. I am counting on you to do your part because I know you and trust you. Even if you don’t fulfill your part of what we agreed on, I will still do my part and fulfill what I have committed to do. A covenant is based on faith and trust, is permanent, cannot be broken by circumstances, is based on unconditional love and commitment, and lives to please the other.
The best example of a covenant is found in the “New Covenant” God made with mankind. In it He said that He would send Jesus Christ to the cross to die for man’s sins, even if man does not accept Him into their life. Then, for those who do accept Christ, He said He will make them into a brand-new creation and give them His Spirit to live in them and through them to give them abundant life. And even if you continue to try and live life out of your own abilities, and continue to miss the mark and sin, He will never leave you or forsake you. 2 Timothy 2:13 says, “If we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself.” That is the power of covenant.
There is another aspect of the marriage covenant that makes it unique and powerful. The covenant of marriage is not just between the man and woman, but it is between the man and God and the woman and God. It is a three-way covenant. The man is making a personal covenant with his bride and with God to fulfill the vows he is making on his wedding day, and the woman is making the same personal covenant with the man and with God. The powerful implication of this is that you are never alone in the covenant. It is never solely up to you to keep the covenant by yourself. God is always there, and God is very committed to fulfilling His part of this covenant even at times when you are not. He will gladly give you the strength to fulfill your part of the covenant if you will only allow Him.
What should you do if your spouse is not living according to the covenant, they made with you on your wedding day? What if they are not loving you the way they are supposed to, or not treating you the way you think they ought to treat you? The answer is simple, but it is not easy. You made a covenant with God on your wedding day to fulfill your part of this marriage, no matter what your spouse does. The simple answer is for you to keep doing what God is calling and empowering you to do, and let God work on your spouse. You fulfill your part of the covenant by God’s strength and love flowing through you and see how God is able to work in your spouse.
I know this podcast is primarily focused on marriage, but everything said here applies equally well to relationships. A friendship based on a contract will never survive. But a friendship that is built upon a covenant will survive any storm that comes your way. Most of us will never experience a covenant-based friendship because a friendship of this nature is very costly. It will require much from each party involved. To experience covenant relationships in marriage or with a friend will require that each party deals with the hurts and wounds that happen in relationship and not let them fester. RTF Ministry teaches a way to get your heart healed when it is wounded so the wound does not fester. Cindi and I call this heart healing we do on ourselves Porch Time because we go to our back porch and spend time with Jesus. Try it sometime. When you are experiencing a hurt, let’s say your experiencing anxiety about a situation. Get alone with Jesus and tell Jesus about your anxiety. Be very honest with Him about how you feel after all He is a friend that sticks closer than a brother. Then once you have told Jesus about the anxiety, give Him your anxiety. Say it to Him, Jesus I give You, my anxiety. Then ask Jesus to come and heal your heart. Watch what Jesus says and does as He brings healing to your heart. Then before you end your time with Him, ask Jesus what He wants you to know about the situation that is causing you anxiety. Don’t be in a hurry but sit with Jesus and listen to what He has to say to you about that situation. It is a wonderful encounter with your Friend Jesus.
Next week we are going to continue looking at what gets in the way of relationships by looking at how selfishness blocks us from having good connection with others.
Prayer
Father God than you that you are a God of covenant not contract. I thank you that you are more committed to us than we are to you at times. That you will never leave us or forsake us. Please take the words of this podcast and use them to bless and encourage my brothers and sisters as they live life in relationship with others.
