Hope, Healing & Freedom Podcast: Episode 159
TRANSCRIPT
There are two conditions that are a bit hard to define because they are invisible boundary lines, yet they often have a very strong effect on your life. Those two conditions that may be interacting are soul ties and being able to establish healthy boundaries. Both of these are hard to define because you can’t point to a specific behavior to verify them. They both have to do with our heart attitudes, and they are both important because they can hinder our free will. In this podcast, we are going to look at how unhealthy soul ties might be reinforcing unhealthy boundaries. If you are not sure what I am talking about, I understand. Come along with me, and we will attempt to show how these two interact and may be causing you to struggle, and you might not even be aware.
I’m Michelle Hensley, a Restoring the Foundations Healing House Minister from Emmaus, Pennsylvania. I am filling in for Lee Whitman this week because he came down with a cold and his voice sounds like Barry White. Often times there is a correlation between having an ungodly soul tie with someone and struggling with maintaining healthy boundaries with that person. However, just to be fair, not all boundary issues are due to soul ties. Let me try to explain.
Tammy has been the pastor’s personal assistant for the last ten years. There has never been anything sexually inappropriate with the pastor, yet Tammy had a soul tie with him due to her great love and respect for him that was clouding her judgment. Tammy worked so closely with him that she took on false responsibility when something did not go as planned. She was often invited along on ministry trips to serve as the pastor’s personal assistant and help him organize his schedule as well as serving as a traveling nanny for the pastor’s two children. She loved the pastor and his family, but she found that she was unable to say NO to him when he asked for more of her personal time. She could not say no to the pastor because of a soul tie, and this soul tie led her to have major boundary issues with him.
What is a soul tie? A soul tie is a deep emotional or spiritual connection between two people, often described as a bond that transcends typical relationships. While these connections can be positive and supportive, they can also be unhealthy or toxic, particularly when they involve lingering attachments to past or negative relationships. Soul ties involve a level of intimacy and emotional entanglement that goes beyond casual friendships or relationships. While some soul ties create lasting and meaningful bonds, others can be detrimental, especially when they involve unhealthy or toxic relationships. A soul tie can linger even after a relationship has ended, potentially causing difficulty in moving on or healing.
Chester Kylstra, the founder of Restoring the Foundations, defines a soul tie as a covenant binding two people together. God honors all covenants, good and bad.
Godly Soul Ties are good covenants we want to honor. We find Godly Soul Ties in:
- Healthy parent-child relationships.
- Healthy intimate marriages.
- Healthy close relationships.
Ungodly Soul Ties are unhealthy covenants needing to be cancelled. They are formed
when another person has the wrong kind of influence on our lives. This influence may come through:
- Unhealthy, perverted, and/or dysfunctional emotional bonds.
- Manipulation, intimidation, and/or unhealthy control – when our free will is violated.
- Any sexual relationship outside of marriage, including premarital sex with our spouse.
Typical types of people we may have an unhealthy soul tie with are:
- parents
- former and current business and ministry partners
- friends
- siblings
- controlling people
- ex-spouses
- spiritual authorities
- former romantic and sexual partners
Let me give you another example of how a soul tie can lead to unhealthy boundaries. I (this is Lee speaking) had an ungodly soul tie with one of my kids. It was not formed due to any inappropriate sexual contact, which can be the cause of ungodly soul ties. I had a very strong emotional bond with this child that caused me to make bad decisions as a parent. I think I saw myself in them more than in the other children, so I had a weakness for them. For example, this child began hanging out with a bad crowd at school. I knew these kids would not be a good influence on them, but instead of putting my foot down and eliminating these friends, I allowed them to continue to be in a relationship. Due to my soul tie, I responded to their anger by trying to appease them, thus allowing them to continue to make bad decisions. I had an unhealthy, perverted, dysfunctional emotional attachment to them, which clouded my judgment. Due to this soul tie, I had very bad boundaries with this child. Again, it was never anything sexual, but I allowed this child to yank my chain, which means I was easily manipulated by them. We want to have a Godly soul tie with our children. The problem comes when we have both a Godly soul tie, which is God given and healthy, and an Ungodly soul tie at the same time. This ungodly soul tie caused me to struggle to set healthy boundaries with this child.
Boundaries are limits individuals set in relationships to define acceptable behavior and protect their well-being. They are personal lines that indicate what one is responsible for and how they want to be treated. Boundaries can be physical, emotional, or time-based, and their purpose is to ensure safety, respect, and balance in interactions.
What are boundaries? Boundaries are the limits we set with others regarding our physical, emotional, and mental space. Boundaries are the invisible property lines of your life. They define where you stop, and others start.Your boundaries define what you are responsible for and what others are responsible for. Many of us have been raised without good boundaries. We were brought up in homes where there were either no boundaries at all or the boundary lines were blurred. Boundaries define what behavior we consider acceptable and unacceptable from others. Boundaries are a form of self-care, ensuring we protect our needs and well-being. Setting boundaries is not about punishment or control, but about creating healthy and respectful interactions. RTF has created four podcasts on boundaries in our podcast library. If you have not listened to them before or need a refresher on boundaries, I recommend that you go to restoringthefoundations.org and click on the Resources tab at the top of the page. There you will find a dropdown for the podcast library. Boundaries, much like soul ties, are sometimes hard to define because you can’t point to a specific behavior to determine if you have a boundary issue. They are more of a heart attitude that needs to be learned and practiced.
Soul ties are powerful because they create a covenant with another person. God is a God of covenant, so He honors all covenants, even negative covenants. There is an interesting story in the bible of when the Israelites made a covenant with the Gibionites that show Gods attitude towards honoring all covenants. The Gibionites were Israels neighbors and their enemy. God had directed Israel to eliminate all of the enemies of Israel as they went about capturing the land. The leaders of Gibion heard of the great victories that Israel had won at Jericho and at Ai and knew they would not be able to defeat Israel, so they decided to try and deceive Israel. They dressed in worn out clothes and made themselves look like they had traveled for many miles. When they encountered the leaders of Israel, they told them a lie about who they were and asked Israel to make a covenant with them. The leaders of Israel did not ask the Lord God about these people and made a covenant of peace with them. When they found out that these people were actually their neighbors and lived within Israel’s land, the leaders knew they could not attack them because they had made a covenant with them and that God would honor that covenant. Many years later Israel attacked Gibion and God brought a curse to Israel for breaking their covenant. A little bit of a long story made short, God honors even the ungodly soul ties we make with others.
Having a soul tie with a person makes it difficult for you to have healthy boundaries with that person. Sam had an ungodly soul tie with his mother. She was a single mom who had raised Sam by herself, so it was natural that Sam would be indebted to her and want to help her around the house. However, after Sam got married, his mom still expected Sam to be available to help her whenever she asked. Sam was unable to say no to his mother because he had an unhealthy soul tie with her. His inability to say no to his mother began to cause conflict with his wife. Soul ties and boundaries are both invisible connections with another person. This soul tie with his mom was so natural and normal for Sam that he could not recognize the power it had in his life. Sam’s wife was the one who recognized that Sam had an ungodly soul tie with his mom that influenced his decision-making. She contacted some friends of hers who were RTF ministers who led Sam through a prayer to break his soul tie with his mother. The freedom that Sam experienced in his relationship with his mother was immediate. He was able to see clearly for the first time. Out of that newfound freedom, he was also able to set good, healthy boundaries with his mother for the first time in his life.
Tammy, whom we talked about at the beginning of this podcast, came to us for ministry. She knew there was a problem in her relationship with her pastor/boss, but she could not identify it. During the ministry time, we were able to help her see that she had an unhealthy soul tie with the pastor that caused her to be unable to set boundaries with him. She was heading for burnout and wanted to quit her job, when it was not the job that was causing the burnout; it was her inability to establish healthy boundaries. We helped her to cancel the unhealthy covenant she had with the pastor, she broke the soul tie, and she almost immediately recognized some changes that needed to be made in her working and personal relationship with the pastor and his family.
I believe that many of you listening today recognize that you might be being controlled by an ungodly soul tie. Some of you have had sexual relationships outside of marriage that established a soul tie that has never been broken. Others may recognize a struggle you are having saying no to someone in your life. You may be feeling like someone has a stronger emotional connection with you than is healthy, and you would like to break that hold. I am going to lead you through the ministry steps to break an ungodly soul tie. We don’t often include ministry steps in this podcast, but this ministry is something you can do on your own. The key to these steps is that there is no power in the words that you are repeating. The power comes from you setting your will as you repeat these words. The ministry steps are in the text version of this podcast so you can repeat it as many times as necessary until all of the soul ties that God brings to your mind are broken.
Father, I submit myself completely to You. I confess all of my emotional and sexual sins, as well as all my Ungodly Soul Ties.
I choose to forgive each person I have been involved with or connected to in any ungodly way.
Lord, please forgive me for my sin resulting in Ungodly Soul Ties. I receive Your forgiveness.
I choose to forgive myself, to no longer be angry at myself, hate myself, or punish myself.
Lord, I break my Ungodly Soul Ties with ____. I release myself from him, and I release him from me.
I receive my heart back from every ungodly way I have given it to ________. (repeat as necessary).
As I do this, Lord, I pray You would help every person named be all that You want them to be, and that You would help me to be all You want me to be.
Lord, please cleanse my mind from all memories of ungodly unions, so I am totally free to give myself to You (if appropriate) and to my spouse.
I renounce and cancel the assignments of all demonic spirits attempting to maintain these Ungodly Soul Ties. I command them to leave.
