The Trap of a People Pleaser

Hope, Healing & Freedom Podcast: Episode 138

TRANSCRIPT

Do you ever worry about what others think of your outfit, words, or choices? Do you often second-guess your decisions, leading to a constant state of internal conflict? If these situations sound all too familiar, you’re not alone. Many of us are trapped in the cycle of being people pleasers. Join us today on our podcast as we delve into this common struggle, a journey that many of us can relate to.

This is Cindi Whitman with Restoring the Foundations, and I welcome you into this Hope, Healing, and Freedom podcast. Thank you for joining us. Before we dive into today’s topic, I want to encourage you to consider financially supporting RTF. Your support is not just a donation; it’s an investment in the future of our podcast. We’ve chosen to make these podcasts available to you at no cost and are delighted to continue doing so. However, your financial support is essential for the podcast’s future. It takes funds to create, edit, and publish each podcast. Please visit the Restoring the Foundations website if you’d like to make a one-time or recurring donation.  

Now, to today’s topic:

Here is a story that might resonate with you. I recently met a woman named Jan (not her real name). As we got to know each other, it became very clear that Jan was caught in the trap of being a people pleaser. From the time she got up in the morning until she went to bed at night, she was concerned about whether others liked her, liked her outfit, agreed with her lunch choices, and so on. She admitted that she was exhausted every day trying to ensure she didn’t do anything that would make others dislike or disapprove of her.  She was caught in a trap of being a people pleaser.  Another way of saying this is that she was walking in the fear of man, a term used to describe the anxiety or concern about what others think or how they might react. For instance, she would often agree with others even if she didn’t truly believe in what they were saying just to avoid conflict. Does this sound familiar to you? 

I love this definition of freedom: Freedom is being able to speak, act and think without hindrance. But true freedom also involves self-acceptance.  Do you have the freedom to speak your mind or share your thoughts about a topic without considering how others might feel about you?  Do you have the freedom to do the things that you want to do without wondering how others are going to perceive you?  What about your thoughts?  Are you constantly wondering what they are thinking? Are you constantly second guessing your decisions?  If you answered yes about yourself or someone else, then I would say that you’re not experiencing true freedom. But the good news is, by getting your heart healed, it is within your power to change that.

Jan did not become a people-pleaser as an adult; her journey began in childhood. She grew up in a home where performing well and meeting her parents’ expectations earned her affirmation and applause. Some call this performance-based acceptance. It’s a situation where a person’s worth is tied to their performance or ability to meet certain standards. In Jan’s case, she learned early on that her worth was directly tied to her ability to please others. When she started first grade, she quickly learned that she would not receive the desired grades if she didn’t do what the teacher wanted, when and how the teacher liked it. If she didn’t get A’s, she also wouldn’t receive acceptance from her parents when she brought home her report card. This early conditioning led her to believe that her value was contingent on her ability to please others, setting the stage for her people-pleasing behavior in adulthood.

A few years ago, there was a popular movie where Julia Roberts played the role of a young woman. The movie was called The Runaway Bride and also featured actor Richard Gere. The character Maggie, Julia portrayed, found herself in multiple dating relationships with men. She believed she was in love with them, and they’d get engaged and plan a wedding. Three- or four times Maggie was about to get married, but on the wedding day, would have second thoughts and she just couldn’t go through with it. She became the runaway bride, taking off before saying, “I do.” You see, Maggie was in these relationships to please others. She didn’t know what she wanted or who she wanted to share her life with. She realized that each of the potential husbands didn’t know who she was. She was so caught up in pleasing them that she became what they needed her to be.   I remember one scene where the new guy asks her, “How do you want your eggs?” Her response indicated that she was trying to please him by choosing her eggs the way he preferred. She didn’t know or wasn’t free enough to express how she liked her eggs cooked. He prepared scrambled, fried, poached, and basted eggs.  She tried each one and finally was able to decide the kind of eggs that she preferred. She found out what she liked instead of what others liked. She had been stuck in the role of a people-pleaser. 

People-pleasers often believe that if you truly knew the real me, you would reject me. Another belief might be that I can’t let others know how I feel, or they won’t accept me. These falsehoods will keep them in bondage and prevent them from experiencing the abundant life that Jesus died to give us. The main culprits that lead to being a people pleaser are the fear of rejection, low self-esteem, and past negative experiences. Growing up in a critical home devoid of love and affirmation can lead to becoming a people pleaser.  The trap is exhausting. Not only are you unable to indeed be yourself, but the people pleaser is also worn out, lives in daily stress of trying to please others, may not genuinely enjoy life, frequently experiences relationship problems, and can suffer from occupational burnout. Bosses love people pleasers because they can get them to do whatever they want. The employer often overworks and underappreciates these people.  People pleasers often struggle to say no and set healthy boundaries. But there is hope! There is a way out. The first step to freedom from being a people pleaser is acknowledging that change is needed. And remember, change is not only possible, but it can lead to a life of true freedom and self-acceptance.

When we look at the life of Jesus, we see an example of how to live our lives.  John 5:19 says, So Jesus said to them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, the Son can do nothing of his own accord, but only what he sees the Father doing. For whatever the Father does, that the Son does likewise”.  Jesus was concerned only with what the Father thought and did.  He didn’t try to please others.  We see that several times he went against the religious laws of the day.  In one of those times, he healed a man on the Sabbath.  The religious guys were up in arms because it was on the Sabbath! (like our Sunday) This man had been laying by the Pool of Bethsaida for 38 years waiting for a miracle.  There were hundreds of others there with him, waiting for their miracle. You can find the whole story in John 5:1-16.  If Jesus had been concerned about what others thought, he would not have only healed that one man, but Jesus only cared about doing what he saw his father say and do.  He took some heat for it, but it didn’t stop him. Have you ever wondered why Jesus only healed that one man?  There were hundreds of people needing a miracle.  He only healed one.  His father must have said to just heal that one man.  Do you think the others were upset?  It’s possible.  However, Jesus didn’t let the opinions of others dictate what he did.   Jesus was not a people pleaser.

In John 4, we see Jesus speaking with a Samaritan woman. In that culture, men typically didn’t address women in public. Additionally, the Samaritans and the Jews were historically rivals. According to accepted social norms, a Jewish man would not engage in conversation with a Samaritan woman, particularly one known to have a troubled past. They did not associate with each other and often avoided situations where they might be in the exact location. The fact that Jesus intentionally went to the well in Samaria and conversed with a woman shattered all social conventions. Why did he go there? Because his Father directed him to. He did not allow the opinions of others keep him from his destiny.

This exchange occurred in the middle of the day because the woman avoided being at the well when other women would be there. She didn’t want their judgment or to be the focus of their gossip and experience more shame.  Jesus knew his purpose; he was doing what his father said, not what the religious leaders said was right.  Jesus knew who his father was.  His value and worth came from the father, not from the opinions of others. 

If you’re a parent, why do you love your child?  Do you love them because they make you look good? Do you love them because they excel in sports or academics?  Do you stop loving them when they make poor choices? Most parents love their children because they are their flesh and blood.  When our children mess up and make mistakes, disobey, or make poor life choices, we don’t stop loving them.  We can disagree with their choices and still love them.  Loving them doesn’t mean that we accept all of their choices.  God loves us the same way.  Years ago, our friend shared this thought with us, impacting our thinking.  “God loves you just the way you are, but he loves you too much to leave you the way you are.”  The world has twisted the love of God into a belief that since God loves us, he agrees with our choices.  That is a lie.  There are many Biblical examples that we won’t go into today about this lie.

Falling into the trap of being a people-pleaser restricts your ability to live freely and might even prevent you from fulfilling your destiny. God created each of us uniquely and wonderfully. He has a purpose, calling and destiny for each person. He breathes life into us at our conception, including our purpose and destiny. From that point forward, our enemy Satan devises his strategy according to John 10:10, aiming to “kill, steal, and destroy.” Jesus came to give us abundant life! When we fail to recognize and accept that we have value just because we are his kids, not because of what we do, we will continue to seek affirmation and value from others.

First, we need to recognize if we have this problem. When we fall into the people-pleasing trap, we look to others for our value and acceptance rather than deriving it from our relationship with God. We are often filled with self-hate, self-doubt, and unworthiness.

Step One: Ask Him to forgive you for valuing the opinions of others more than valuing what He says about you.

Step Two: Do you know what He says about you?  Ask Him.  If you have trouble hearing what he is saying, I encourage you to contact an RTF minister for help.  In RTF ministry, one part of the ministry is to come out of agreement with the lies that the enemy has said about us, especially about our identity.  Once the agreement with him is broken, we hear clearly what God says!  It is one of our favorite parts of the ministry.  A person may go from believing the lie from Satan that says, “I am a mistake” to God saying “I am a mighty warrior”. Or maybe from “I am dirty or damaged” to “I am pure and holy”.  It’s just amazing to watch God speak extravagant things over his kids.

 Below is an example of things God said to a receiver of RTF ministry. 

The enemy says I am fat and ugly.
I receive God’s truth that I am His creation, perfect in every way. (Ps 139)

The enemy says I am a burden.
I receive God’s truth that I am a joy.

The enemy says I am dirty.
I receive God’s truth, a shining star.

The enemy says I am not good enough.
I receive God’s truth that I am fully equipped and empowered!

The enemy says I am damaged.
I receive God’s truth that I am a warrior princess.

The enemy says I am voiceless.
I receive God’s truth that I am powerful.

The enemy says I am worthless.
I receive God’s truth that I am a valuable treasure!

When people with Godly identities begin embracing and living from what God says about them, their lives will change dramatically! 

The enemy has many traps.  People pleasing is just one.  Being free from people-pleasing and being the incredible person that God created you to be is amazing!  I have to warn you.  When you first begin to say what you think, express your true thoughts and opinions it is shocking to those around you.  They’ve gotten accustomed to always getting their way and being more important than you.  It’s going to shake things up when you get free!  Be patient with them and hopefully, they will be patient with you. 

PRAYER

Father God,

Thank you for making each of us unique, with a calling, destiny, and purpose. We are all different. We are valuable because we are your sons and daughters.  We are children of the Most High God. Your son gave his life for us, which shows how valuable we are. Help us walk in greater healing and freedom today as we embrace who you created us to be.

Amen!

If this topic resonates with you and you need some help getting free, we encourage you to seek an RTF minister for an Issue-Focused Ministry. Don’t stay stuck in people-pleasing! Begin embracing who you are, value yourself, and live the life Jesus died to give. God has given you a voice and he wants you to share your true self with others!

Another valuable resource is the Boundaries podcasts, which were broadcast from September to October 2023.

If you can’t say no, then your yes means nothing!

Blessings!  Until next week!

Cindi Whitman

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