Hope, Healing & Freedom Podcast : Ep 22
TRANSCRIPT
Did you know that according to the experts only 7% of communication are the words that we actually speak? In this podcast we are going to talk about communication and some of the things that can hinder communication. This podcast is going to be more practical in content, but I believe if it can help us communicate better, it will have a great impact on our entire lives.
Today’s verse is Amos 3:3, “How can two walk together unless they are agreed?”
If only 7% of our communication comes through the words that we speak, then what makes up the other 93%? It is made up of many intangibles like body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions. These things are actually more important in our communication than the words that we speak. Usually it is a male thing to say something like, “I heard every word you said!” If this statistic is accurate, then when we do that we have only heard 7% of what is being communicated.
We have the opportunity to speak publicly on a regular basis. Any one who does public speaking has probably had this situation happen to them at various times. You finish your talk and someone will come up to you and comment on something you said during your talk. The only problem is that what they said that you said, is not something that you said. For example I had someone come up after one message and say, “I love the way you talked so intimately about Jesus’ humanity.” The problem was that nowhere in my message did I talk about Jesus’ humanity. What I said and what they heard were two very different things. That makes communicating in a public setting very complicated. The same complications apply for personal communication as well.
Let’s begin by looking at some of the factors that can have a negative impact on our personal communication. A major factor to consider in interpersonal communication is the level of wounding found in both people. When we are wounded, we will speak and listen through that wounding. Our hurts and wounds become a filter through which we communicate. Someone who has experienced a lot of rejection will communicate through their filter of rejection. Rejection will taint both how they communicate to others and how they receive communication from others.
I struggled for most of my life with shame. Shame is that thing that says there is something wrong with me. My communication with others was affected by my shame. For example shame told me that when something was wrong, it was always my fault. Consequently when my wife would bring up a problem that needed to be discussed, I immediately went into shame mode and assumed that the problem was my fault. Instead of addressing the issue, I would begin to apologize for causing this problem, even if I didn’t cause it. You can see how my woundedness was affecting our communication. As I received healing for my issue with shame, our ability to communicate improved.
RTF is one of the best resources to help you improve your communication. You start by dealing with the generational pressure that has come through your blood line. Things like shame and rejection, which are often passed on down from generation to generation, must be broken from your life through applying what Jesus did for you on the cross. We often see generational pressure like performance or unworthiness or victimization or fear getting in the way of good communication. The pressure from these iniquities that are resident in the bloodline push people to react out of these performance or unworthiness or victimization or fear.
Lets use an example. If the generational iniquity of victimization is operating in someone, they are going to both hear what someone says to them and then respond to what is being said through the victimization. We might ask them a simple question like, “Were you able to pick up the medicine at the pharmacy today?” The healed person would answer this question with a “Yes” or “No” answer. But the person living with the pressure from victimization might instantly answer defensively with, “I didn’t have time. My boss is always making me do all of these extra things at work. He never lets me leave work on time. I don’t know when I will be able to go and get them.” That is the victim responding blaming things on someone else. Once the generational pressure of victimization is broken off through RTF ministry, then that person can communicate from a free and healed place rather than bringing their iniquity into the conversation.
Ryan Hall is the incredible worship leader we have had lead worship for the last 4 RTF International Conferences. He leads worship all over the country and in some very large conferences. He told me that dealing with the RTF crowd is such a privilege because RTF people are so healed. Healed people worship with more freedom, but they also communicate in a much cleaner way.
The second thing that needs to be dealt with for good communication are the lies we believe. There are always Ungodly Beliefs about communication that must be removed. Messages like, “They don’t really care what I have to say.” or “What I have to say is really not that important.” among many others lies that people can believe that interfere with communication. The place to start in determining what lie is affecting your communication is by asking the Holy Spirit what you might be believing that is getting in the way of healthy communication. He (Holy Spirit) is very willing and able to show you the lies you are believing. Often this will happen right after an uncomfortable conversation. Then you can walk yourself through RTF Ungodly Belief ministry and remove the lie and allow God to give you a new truth to live by.
Then of course you will need to get your heart healed from anything that is hindering your communication. It is during communication that we often discover these unhealed emotional landmines. You can recognize these landmines when someone says something that triggers a much bigger emotional response than is called for by the situation. This is an indication of a wound that Jesus wants to heal. As we set aside time to take that wound to Jesus in what we call a Soul Spirit Healing, He is amazing at meeting us in the middle of the hurt and bringing His healing. Then once the emotional landmine is removed, communication has less things hindering it.
Once the three things I just listed are complete, getting rid of the demonic interference is actually quite easy. Did you know that there are demons assigned to interfere with communication? There is one whose specific job is to twist communication. I know most of you have had this happen. You are talking with someone and you say one thing and they hear something altogether different. It happens a lot, especially with important communication. That is a demon assigned to twist communication.
Once we have cleared away the obstacles caused by our woundedness through wonderful RTF ministry, then we can look at some practical information that will improve communication.
One factor is that every message that is spoken has two components: the words being spoken and the feelings connected to those words. You will never totally understand what someone is saying unless you listen for both the words and the feelings attached to those words. Let’s take a simple example. One person asks the question, “What time does the meeting start?” Sounds pretty simple doesn’t it? But if you listen to both the words and try to understand the feelings attached to those words, you might discover that there is something going on beneath the words. They might be asking what time the meeting starts because they have a conflict with something else and they need your help in sorting this conflict out. Or they might have unfinished work to get done for that meeting and are feeling the pressure. The words project information in black and white. Feelings paint the picture in color.
Listening for more than just the words takes effort, especially for men. Men don’t typically communicate feelings as well as women. Men can often communicate just facts, even though there is emotion motivating those facts. Ok, so let me give the men some grace here and say that your boss or co-worker probably does not want to know what you are feeling. They may just want to know the facts. But the people in close relationship with you, your wife, your children, your close friends, your church friends, they do want and need to know what you are feeling. Men often shut down their feelings when at work, but then leave them shut down when in more intimate relationships. Sharing how we feel, men, is vital in these more intimate relationships. Ok, guys think about this. You know of guys at your church who you know, but yet you don’t know. Why is that? I’ll bet it’s because as men we don’t let ourselves be known to the other men at church. We don’t share feelings with other men very easily. “Hey, how about that football game yesterday?” Yet being known by others is one of the deepest longings of our heart. Receiving healing allows you to share more easily with others without fear or intimidation.
Women on the other hand have emotions connected with almost everything they say. This is a wonderful aspect of the way that God created them. To understand what a woman is communicating, you have to listen for both the words and the feelings behind the words. This type of deep understanding does not happen without being intentional.
Good communication does not just happen. It must be an intentional act. What are some things you can do to be intentional about creating good communication?
Set aside time for communication. As part of this time, display behavior that will encourage communication. Such as, turn off the tv and put your cell phone away (and your Apple Watch, or however else you receive communication). I know, drastic right? When Cindi and I go to a restaurant to talk, we both put our cell phones away. I am amazed how often you see 3 or 4 people sitting at a table in a restaurant and every person is on their cell phones looking at something different. I also know that I cannot sit facing the front door of the restaurant or face a TV on the wall. I get distracted too easily. Remember that 93% of communication is non-verbal so be aware of your body language, eye contact, tone of voice, etc.
Another behavior that encourages communication is to respond to the person speaking to let them know that you are listening. We often treat our conversations like a tennis match. While they are speaking (hitting the ball to me) I am preparing for what I am going to say back to them (setting up for hitting the ball back to them). We are not completely listening and we are definitely not showing them that we value what they are saying when we do that. When you are in this tennis match conversation you will often find that you talk over the other person in order to get your point across.
What if instead of listening just enough so that I can respond back and display all of my amazing wit and wisdom, I would listen to understand what they are saying, and let them know I was listening. Saying things like, “If I am hearing you correctly, you are saying…….” or “Oh, that must have been really difficult.” or “It sounds like you felt ………. When that happened?” Or “What I heard you say is…………” This is an amazing thing to do with anyone. People love to be heard. When you listen this way, they will more often feel heard and valuable.
Texting and email are a terrible way to communicate from the heart. They are good for sending and receiving the “what do we need from the grocery store” type of information. But when it comes to emotionally charged information, text and email are not a healthy method. The words again are only 7% of the message being communicated and that is all you have when texting or emailing. 93% of the message is open to interpretation. I can not tell how many times in ministry we have heard about relationships that have been damaged or destroyed through misunderstandings from texting or email.
Listening to others is one of the easiest ways to communicate value. When we take the time to really listen so the other person feels heard, they can’t help but feel valuable.
