Hope, Healing & Freedom Podcast: Episode 84
TRANSCRIPT
Ephesians 4:27 says “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger and give no opportunity for the devil.” Have you thought about the meaning of this scripture? I’ve heard sermons about “be angry and sin not” but the speaker never said what to do with my anger. The implication is “just bury it” “pretend it doesn’t matter” or “sweep it under the rug” . The lack of instruction of what to do with your anger can be really destructive to ourselves and to those around us.
This is Lee Whitman with the Hope Healing and Freedom podcast. This podcast was written by my wife Cindi, but I will post it while she is recovering from back surgery. We hope you will be blessed!
If you do a google search on anger, the following pops up: anger and depression, anger and dementia, anger and mental health and anger and being unhappy. It seems that when Paul was talking about “be angry and sin not” it was intended to keep us from having some long-term residual physical, emotional and spiritual problems.
So how can we be angry and sin not? Well, let’s look at the ways in which we express anger. Often, we express anger in words and actions. Our words are powerful and as the scripture says, “There is death and life in the power of the tongue” Proverbs 18:21 Our words can build others up or tear them down. When spoken in anger words are often destructive. Psychologists would tell you that when a child overhears and experiences angry exchanges on a regular basis it can cause secondary trauma. Often the child is convinced that they are responsible for the anger of the parents. They learn to blame themselves for the situation. They begin believing things like “When something is wrong it is my fault.” Often, they carry this thought throughout their childhood and into adulthood. It shapes them. They blame themselves for everything. No matter the situation this lie is reinforced in their thinking process. As a child they learn to escape the angry situation often through hiding. Sometimes the hiding is literal. Other times the child “shrinks inside themselves”. As an adult their thinking process has been reinforced by many experiences causing them to blame themselves for everything. One possible behavior with this belief is a person who constantly apologizes. I’m sorry is often on their lips. Over and they apologize. It’s annoying to say the least.
What about our actions when we’re angry? Besides the yelling, what behaviors like slamming doors, hitting walls or other things or even worse hitting someone in a fit of rage? Most of us would agree that acting out or expressing our anger by hitting others is wrong, but is it wrong to hit things? Well, what happens to those around you when anger is expressed in that way? When a dad reacts in this manner the women and children have a fear response. They shrink back. They try to escape, or mom will try to protect her children and then she will go into fight mode. When men are confronted in anger they might react in fear and have a fight response. The situation can escalate easily and quickly. Nothing good comes from this kind of response. Even if you’re by yourself hitting a wall with your fist it will possibly damage your hand and the wall. Emotions are given to us by God. Emotions by themselves are neither good nor bad . Even the emotion of anger is God-given. The Bible says to be angry, so the emotion of anger is not bad, but it goes on to say but sin not. It is what happens when we are angry that might be sinful. So, what do we do with our anger? That is our topic today.
I know when I’ve thought of this scripture, I most often have thought about being angry at someone for something they did or didn’t do. Someone hurt me and now I am angry. Our anger is often toward the people that we are closest to; our parents, children, grandparents or co-workers. Why is it that anger at those closest to us is the most difficult to let go of? Well, it’s because they matter the most to us. They have the most influence in our lives. People who you don’t care about have very little influence in our lives and thus their behavior has little impact on us. But the behavior of those who are close to us has a big impact.
Let’s talk about a few possible scenarios. Let’s say a guy cuts you off in traffic or worse yet hits your car and then denies that it was his fault. Would you find yourself dealing with anger? The situation is unjust. It’s wrong and for no fault of your own you now have a damaged car. His insurance denies payment and although you have insurance it will make your rates go up. So, how do you be angry and not sin in this very unjust situation? I think of a very common tendency to name-call. “That guy is such a jerk” “He’s an idiot”. Or I wish he would get paid back by having something bad happen to him.
Think about what has just happened for a moment. Think about the words that were spoken in anger. Often those are word curses. I would put word curses in the category of sin, wouldn’t you? Why is that a sin? Well, another scripture just a bit further down from the one above says, Eph 4:29 that says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (NIV). When you think of those words spoken in a moment of anger, they fit in the category of unwholesome talk rather than building others up! Wow! So, what do I do in a situation like that? It’s tough to not allow your emotions to rule you and take you down the path of sin.
My example was someone you didn’t know that wronged you. What about someone you do know that hurts you by doing something intentionally or unintentionally? What’s the difference? Well, let’s say you have a lunch date with your best friend. You’re excited about catching up and having some time with them. You make arrangements in your schedule to accommodate the meeting and then he/she doesn’t show. Was that intentional or unintentional? It could be either. They could have just blown you off and not shown, not called or contacted you in any way. Another option is that they could have completely forgotten about the appointment with you which was unintentional. Let’s just say that in either case they just don’t say anything about it. What do you do? Well, you could say nothing and just be hurt and angry or you could bring it up. You might say something like, “Hey, I thought we were meeting today for lunch. I was really looking forward to being with you.” They might own it, or they might blow it off. They might even blame it on you by saying, “I thought you were going to call and remind me?” Regardless of their response you are left with the pain in your heart. How do you deal with anger?
I remember a long time ago being very hurt by someone I love dearly. They wronged me. They said things that were very hurtful. They literally ripped me up one side and down the other and then continued to verbally attack my husband and children. I was devastated. I was visiting them from out of town, so I left the house and went for a drive in the mountains. I remember sitting at an overlook sobbing. I heard this voice say, “Just drive off the edge. It’ll make the pain go away and it will punish them for what they did to you.” Thankfully I recognized that was not my own thought or God’s thought. I knew the enemy, satan, was trying to take advantage of my hurt and anger and tempting me to take my life. Instead, I changed my flight and went home early. This was back in the day when I had no idea what to do with my hurt and anger. I went home to my husband and children, but I was a wreck. I really struggled with the situation. I talked to my husband who was a counselor and he listened well. However, he couldn’t take away my anger and hurt. I talked to my friends, but they couldn’t do anything either other than agree with me that it was a very painful situation. So, finally one day I wrote a letter to the person who hurt me. I explained how much their words had hurt me. After about three versions of that letter I sent it. After a few weeks I received a reply. The person did not own the words they had said to me. They did not even acknowledge that they had said them. Their response was, “If I hurt you, I am sorry.” It was like they were blaming me for being hurt. Now I was left with a double hurt. My solution was to cut off my relationship with them for months. I wouldn’t call, email or visit them. I would only talk to the other family members. If they picked up the phone I would hang up.
I wasn’t dealing with my anger. I was bathing in it daily. My anger fit in the category of sin.
Both of the above examples deal with being angry at someone else. However, as I pondered this scripture, the Holy Spirit reminded me that it also applied to other scenarios. What about when you’re not angry at another person but you’re angry at yourself? Many people deal with feeling self-hate, shame and unworthiness. They often blame themselves for things that are out of their control. They don’t give themselves any grace for making mistakes. Do you struggle with these kinds of thoughts and feelings? “I can’t do anything right!” “I always mess things up!” “When something is wrong it is my fault!” In RTF we would call these Ungodly Beliefs. These are destructive thoughts that do not align with what God says about us. As long as we are in agreement with these thoughts, we are agreeing with satan and not God. Of course, none of us would intentionally do that but the reality is that is what we are doing. That fits in the category of “not giving the devil a foothold.” When we are angry at ourselves, we hurt ourselves and others.
Another area that the Holy Spirit pointed out to me is that we can be angry with God. You might say oh, I’m not angry with God! I’ve never been angry at God! Think about it for a moment. Ask the Holy Spirit to bring to your mind anytime that you have been angry at God. Most of us, at some point in our lives, have said things, or felt things like, “God where were you (when something bad happened)? Why did you allow that to happen? Why didn’t you stop that from hurting me, or someone I love?
These kinds of thoughts and feelings are judgements against God. Most often they are rooted in anger and disappointment that God didn’t do something that you thought that he should.
So, we can be angry at others, angry at ourselves and angry at God. Would you agree with that?
Let’s look at some of the outcomes of our anger. We already mentioned that there can be other things that are “fruit” of our anger. The medical doctors and psychologists draw a link from anger to mental health issues, anger and dementia, anger and depression and other ailments that none of us want to have.
Let’s look at what happens relationally. Let’s say that a member of your family is angry. They express their anger by slamming the door, hitting the wall, stomping around the house and even yelling at you or others. What happens in those who experience that angry outburst? Most frequently those around shut down and flee to a safe place. The fleeing and finding a safe place may be literally hiding or going to another room. It also can be that they shut down internally. Children who experience that kind of anger learn quickly how to avoid the person. Sometimes the children can develop physical issues as a result of the anger. They often become fearful and distrusting of that person. If that person is an authority figure, like a parent, stepparent, a grand-parent or significant other then they may develop a distrust of all authority figures. Even if the angry outburst has nothing to do with them the reaction may still be the same. Young children do not have the ability to cognitively think that they are not responsible for another’s anger. They often think and feel that it is their fault. Of course, if this is a repetitive pattern then the child may grow up believing that “When something is wrong it’s my fault” Or “I am responsible for my mom or dad’s anger” “I must do everything I can to not make them angry.” The end result is a life of codependency. They often blame themselves for other’s actions and this can lead to self- hate and depression.
We must recognize the impact that our anger has on others. We must own our feelings and actions. We must not blame others by saying, “You make me so angry.” You know what? My thoughts and feelings are my responsibility. If I get angry at what someone else did, I can choose whether or not to let it affect me. If I choose anger and choose to act in anger it is my choice alone. Another person does not have the power over me to “make me angry”. Their behavior or words may trigger something in you, but you still have a choice of how you are going to respond.
So, what is the solution to our anger? When we are angry how do we not sin and not give a foothold to the devil? We know that the solution isn’t to ignore, deny or sweep it under the rug. Whether the anger is at another person, anger at yourself, anger at a situation, or anger at God the answer is the same. In RTF we teach a process that we call “Pouring out your Complaint to God”. We see David doing this a lot in the Psalms. Check out Psalms 142 for an example. David told God honestly how he felt. He was real with God. You can sense the change in David’s heart as he “pours out his complaint”. Once he’s gotten it all out, he begins remembering the faithfulness of God and declaring the goodness of God.
So, after you get rid of all of the negative junk in your heart and give it to God then ask Him to come and heal your heart. (you have to give it to Him; he won’t take something that you want to hold on to) It’s just amazing to watch what God does in those moments. The encounter is always real and personal. God speaks in a way that we understand. It’s never the same as someone else because we are all different. When he heals the heart, he brings healing in a way that the individual can receive it.
If you haven’t ever done something like I’m describing, you might need some help the first time. If you struggle with anger don’t simply put up with it. You may be hurting yourself and others. It’s no way to live.
Learning how to process all of your negative feelings and emotions allows you to live life with a clean slate daily. Even anger at God can be healed as you tell Him about your anger and then give it to Him. God already knows if you’re angry with Him so why not just be honest about it?
Let me share a poem with you:
Anger at God by Jessica Shaver
I told God I was angry;
I thought He’d be surprised.
I thought I’d kept hostility
Quite cleverly disguised.
I told the Lord I hate Him;
I told Him that I hurt.
I told Him that the isn’t fair
And that He treated me like dirt.
I told God I was angry,
But I’m the one surprised.
“What I’ve known all along,” He said,
“You’ve finally realized.”
“At last you have admitted
What’s really in your heart;
Dishonesty, not anger,
Was keeping us apart.
Even when you hate me,
I don’t stop loving you,
Before you can receive that love,
You must confess what’s true.
“In telling Me the anger
You genuinely feels,
it loses power over you
Permitting you to heal”
I told God i was sorry,
And He’s forgiven me
The truth that I was angry
had finally set me free.
Prayer: Father God, thank you for loving us the way we are but loving us too much to let us stay the way we are. Help each of us to be real with you about our feelings. Teach us how to give you our frustration and anger. Come and heal our hearts as we give all the negative feelings to you.
